Pain 2018-70

This brings me back to a time when things were NOT right, not good, and a period of my life where I was not capable of lucid thinking many times. I now think of those that suffer any debilitating injury and have to live with it daily.  I am now better, now capable, now more complete in my way of existing, but still have lingering feelings of before.

Pain  2018-70

 

It only hurts when I feel it,

But when it hurts I want to cry

At times I don’t care if I die

The feeling is one of true sensation.

It ebbs and flows with time,

It lets me know of needed rest

And tells me just how much,

By the pain in body and mind

Others don’t know of my torment,

The pain in the head and such,

How dare they think I am pain free,

And have no problem but me.

I wish they knew just how much is much,

My mind racked with this feeling

I don’t tell all, but should do so

Someday I will let the world know,

(Perhaps Now)

But now I’ll suffer in silence

The pain, my companion in life.

 

Den Betts        Email:bettsden@gmail.com

Blog: thebettsden.com

 

Advertisements

Coming out of the closet!! 2017-58

Coming out of the closet 2017-58

 

There are MANY closets to come out of, in life.  Each of us, all of us, have something we hold dear to only ourselves, and do NOT share with any others.  When, and if we do, then we take the chance that we will be highly criticized, held in contempt, or other negative thoughts or actions by those others. It is also, a chance for our being able to finally release ourselves of hidden angst, or a release to freedom of expression.

My very best and dear friend, whom I love so very much, came out of the closet, when he let my wife and I know he was gay.  Actually, we sort of knew, just did not have any confirmation by him.  My son is one of the good people in life, and he and his male spouse are examples of how to be and act in life with others on this planet Earth. To any religious leaders, followers of any religion, good ol boys in life or any of that ilk, you can go F— yourselves IF, you have any prejudicial thoughts regarding this subject. I maintain that Jesus Christ, my ultimate teacher in life, loves my son as he is and, also, any others like him. 

Another closet that some live in and deal with in life are those that keep themselves in denial until they admit their problem.

I know someone who I admire, love and respect, who finally came out and made decisions about being an alcoholic.  He joined the AA group and adheres to the 12-step program of living life.  His wife, at that time, did not do so and had drug addiction issues. He is now remarried to a wonderful lady and enjoying life.  He is a distant blood cousin and I look at him as one of the great people that I am fortunate to know.

Another closet dweller that I know is one that might have been a binge eater, but now is an avid exercise person who changed her life style. She is really looking great and is encouraging others to revamp their lifestyles also. She has a wonderful outgoing personality that is so great.

OK, Now Me!!!    First off, I am not gay, not an alcoholic, maybe a little overweight, but not a binge eater in life.  I say, if you know of someone that is one of these, that you give support to them, accept them as they are, and most of all love them; you do not have to understand the situation.  That could be a tall order to do, I realize.

I am 76 years old and for the past and last 1/3 of my life, I have lived with a situation of life. My dear wife and close family, some of my closest friends and a few others know of what I have lived with in my later years of life.

On April 18, 1991, my life was changed forever. Thirty-five feet from my driveway, I ran over a manhole in the street that collapsed from the weight of the van I was driving. The van went up, I went up, the van came down and I was still going up.   I then,ended up in the hospital with a TBI or Traumatic Brain Injury. I was in the hospital and rehabilitation unit for 8 weeks or so; a long time. I will NOT — now make this a diatribe of this episode of life, but will state this:

I still have problems of dealing with the ramifications of having a TBI.  The “IT” of so, now long ago, affects me in certain ways even now.  I do not try to “hide” in a closet and deny how I feel, how the TBI affects me, somewhat “rules me” in life, etc.

When I say or my wife states, “He is not feeling well” it most likely means I am not up to par in doing something or anything.  That is the way it is; period!!!!!!!!!

While I have not tried to hide in my closet with my disability, I have tried to do what I can on a daily existence, and believe this is being honest with others. I will now tell any, that I feel like crap, if I do, and hope they will believe me, and understand. If not, tough crap on them.  I have NEVER, and NEVER will, use my disability as an excuse on purpose to get out of doing something, or in any way take advantage of a situation because of my TBI.  Also, if I say, “I do not remember”, I mean it; period!!!!

I guess this post is somewhat of a “get it off my chest” type thing, but I hope it is not a “in your face” statement, but it might appear so.

I also say this.  If you see someone with ANY disability, either physical or mental, try to have some compassion for them, try to have some empathy, and realize how much or how fortunate you are not walking in their shoes of life.  Closets come in all shapes, styles and configurations; we all have them to a degree, big or small, and sometimes it is better to let it go, and get a release from them.

Peace,

Den Betts                            bettsden@gmail.com